your parents love me but you hate me
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
