Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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