they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
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