chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
