I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
