I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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