drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
