I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
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