I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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