Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
