If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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