man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
