I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
