sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
