i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
4 words: hood of his car
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
