im gay
i know
yea but for you.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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