He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
