he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
