I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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