I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
