i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
