Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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