Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
