I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
