My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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