Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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