When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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