I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
