We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
