dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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