Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize