omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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