You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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