I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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