I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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