Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
