So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
