K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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