Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
