Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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