I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
He kissed a someone with a penis
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
