well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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