dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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