I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
