you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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