4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
