party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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