i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
