he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
