I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
