I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
