there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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