Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
