sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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