i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
