I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize