i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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