just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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