Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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