I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Its about making memories worth repressing
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize